Why Enabling Friends and Family Doesn’t Help—It Hurts

Why Enabling Friends and Family Doesn’t Help—It Hurts

It’s natural to want to help the people you love. When a friend or family member is struggling, our instinct is often to step in and make things easier for them. We offer support, advice, or even take over their responsibilities. But while our intentions may be good, enabling others can actually prevent them from growing, learning, and becoming self-reliant.

I often see my clients stuck in cycles of enabling behavior with people they deeply love and care for. Working through these behavioral patterns, and understanding the “why” behind enabling is extremely important and can lead to real, positive changes in your day-to-day life as well as your relationships.

What Does “Enabling” Really Mean?

Enabling is when we provide assistance in a way that actually makes it easier for someone to avoid taking responsibility for their own actions or decisions. It’s not the same as offering support or encouragement — this is a key to remember!

Enabling often involves stepping in too quickly or too often, making it harder for the person to face the consequences of their actions, learn from mistakes, or develop the skills they need to overcome challenges.

For example, you might give money to a family member who repeatedly makes poor financial decisions, or always find yourself picking up the slack for your co-worker. In both cases, you might feel like you’re helping, but in reality, you’re removing the opportunity for them to face the necessary discomfort that leads to growth.

Why Enabling Doesn’t Help

1. It Prevents Growth and Responsibility

When we constantly step in, we take away a person’s ability to solve their own problems. Over time, they may start to depend on us rather than learning to handle difficulties on their own. This can lead to a sense of learned helplessness, where they feel incapable of making decisions or solving issues without outside intervention.

2. It Breeds Resentment

Enabling behavior can create an unspoken tension in relationships. The person being enabled may feel helpless or frustrated, especially if they know deep down they should be taking more responsibility. The enabler might also feel resentment, even though it’s masked by a sense of duty or care. Over time, this imbalance can damage relationships.

3. It Reinforces Negative Patterns

Enabling can reinforce negative behaviors. If someone knows they can rely on you to solve their problems, they may never feel motivated to change their behavior or work towards self-improvement. It creates a pattern of avoidance, where they don’t face the discomfort of change and growth.

Why We Enable—and Why We Need to Stop

Often, we enable because it feels good in the moment. We want to be the supportive friend or family member, the one who always helps. But the reality is that enabling someone might temporarily relieve their stress, but it doesn’t help them in the long term. In fact, it keeps them stuck in a cycle of dependency and avoidance.

We may also enable because we feel guilty, fear conflict, or worry about losing the relationship. The fear of rejection or of making someone angry can make it hard to set boundaries or let go of the enabling behavior. However, the more we enable, the more we prevent the person from reaching their full potential. In the end, we’re not doing them any favors.

Facing the Fear of Letting Go

It’s normal to feel conflicted when considering stepping back from enabling behavior. There are several fears that might come up:

1. Fear of Losing the Relationship

One of the biggest fears is that setting boundaries or not offering help might cause the person to pull away or even end the relationship. The thought of this can be terrifying, especially if we derive a sense of identity or worth from being the “helper.”

2. Fear of Guilt

Many of us feel guilty when we don’t intervene. We might feel that by not helping, we’re abandoning the person or not being supportive enough. This guilt can be overwhelming, especially if we’ve been enabling for a long time.

3. Fear of Them Failing

We might worry that if we don’t intervene, the person will fail, suffer, or make irreversible mistakes. We fear that letting them face the consequences will be too painful for them or us. But, as uncomfortable as failure may be, it’s often a necessary part of the learning process.

Breaking the Cycle - How to Begin

1. Set Boundaries

It’s crucial to set healthy boundaries with the people we care about. This means knowing when to step back and let them face the consequences of their choices. While it may feel uncomfortable at first, healthy boundaries are essential for long-term growth—for both them and you.

2. Encourage Responsibility

Instead of fixing their problems, encourage your friends and family to take responsibility. Ask questions that guide them toward problem-solving, rather than providing immediate solutions. Help them recognize their strengths and remind them that they are capable of handling challenges on their own.

3. Offer Emotional Support, Not Solutions

Sometimes, the best way to help is by offering emotional support instead of practical solutions. Listen without judgment, empathize with their struggles, but allow them the space to find their own way forward. Supportive encouragement is much more powerful than simply providing an answer.

4. Lead by Example

Show others that it’s okay to face challenges and make mistakes. Demonstrating resilience and taking responsibility for your own actions can inspire those around you to do the same.

Putting It Into Practice

Start by identifying one area where you might be enabling a loved one. It could be offering advice when they haven’t asked for it, or stepping in to fix a problem they could solve themselves. This week, choose to hold back. Instead of offering a solution, let them handle the situation on their own.

Allowing them to face the consequences of their choices may feel uncomfortable, but it’s an important step toward helping them grow. And remember, by setting boundaries, you’re giving them the best chance to build resilience and independence, as well as preserving your relationship with them.