Love, Fear, and Attachment: Understanding Your Pattern So You Can Choose Better
As we move into fall - a season when connection feels especially front-of-mind - we often find ourselves reflecting on love, relationships, and why we keep ending up in the same painful patterns. If you’ve ever wondered why you’re drawn to the same kind of unavailable partner or why love feels more anxious than safe, attachment theory can be a tool to help you understand (and change!) these patterns.
What Is Attachment Theory?
Attachment theory is rooted in neuroscience and developmental psychology. In the simplest terms: your nervous system learned what love feels like based on your earliest relationships. Those early experiences formed attachment patterns that follow you into adulthood, especially in dating and romantic relationships.
There are three main attachment styles:
Secure — “I am worthy of love, and so are others.”
Anxious — “I’m afraid you’ll leave.”
Avoidant — “I can only rely on myself.”
The Anxious–Avoidant Trap: Why Smart Women Get Stuck
This is the dynamic Attached calls the “toxic dance” — and it’s especially common among successful, self-aware women who thrive in every area except love.
A Typical Cycle:
- You meet someone emotionally guarded but intensely charming.
- They pursue you just enough to feel special but pull away just enough to feel confusing.
- You start feeling anxious — What did I do wrong? Why did their energy change?
- You try harder. Over-function. Prove your value.
- They withdraw more, needing space — This is too intense. I’m not ready.
- You feel not enough, while also strangely addicted to them.
This isn’t chemistry. It’s anxiety dressed as attraction.
Your brain literally releases more dopamine in unpredictable relationships — the ones where closeness is inconsistent. This intermittent reinforcement makes the avoidant partner feel intoxicating. It also wires your attachment system to confuse emotional unavailability with desire. That’s why emotionally safe partners can initially feel “boring” — your nervous system isn’t used to this sense of peace and safety.
Why You’re Attracted to Emotionally Unavailable Partners
Let’s briefly discuss a few reasons we get trapped in “the dance”, backed by attachment theory:
1) It Feels Familiar - Your attachment system isn’t looking for love — it’s looking for what it recognizes as love. If love once felt like working for connection or earning approval, your nervous system may mistake emotional unpredictability as normal.
2) You Learned Self-Worth Through Performance - This is a big one for the women I work with! High achievers are especially vulnerable to anxious attachment because success taught them that if I do more or work harder, I’ll be rewarded. But relationships don’t work like promotions - the input is not directly correlated to the output.
3) Your Nervous System is Hooked on the High - Emotional inconsistency keeps your brain in survival mode. You’re not addicted to them - you’re addicted to the relief you feel when your anxiety temporarily eases (i.e. they finally text you back).
Healing: Can You Change Your Attachment Style?
Bottom line? Yes. Attachment style isn’t a life sentence; it’s a pattern. And patterns can be rewired through intentional work and healthier relationships. Here are some ways you can start re-wiring your attachment style:
1) Stop Confusing Intensity for Compatibility - Chemistry without emotional safety isn’t chemistry, it’s cortisol aka stress. If you feel constant anxiety around someone, that’s not a connection, that’s a warning sign from your body.
2) Name Your Triggers - What sensations show up in my body when my attachment system activates? (tight chest, racing thoughts, stomach drop). Awareness = power. Name it before it takes over you.
3) Choose People Who Choose You - Healthy love feels mutual. Look for secure signals like Consistency, emotional responsibility, effort without games, repair after conflict, and direct communication.
4) Communicate Your Needs Early - Don’t be afraid to say…“It’s important to me to build connections with people who are consistent and emotionally available. If that’s you, great. If not, also great - I’d rather be clear than confused.”
5) Rewire Through Intentional Work- Attachment work is a mix of body-based and cognitive strategies. Here are a few exercises you can try:
Deep exhale breathing to calm physical anxiety
Pausing before reacting to space or silence
Differentiating thoughts vs facts: “They haven’t replied” ≠ “They’re abandoning me”
Self-soothing instead of over-pursuing - i.e. “I don’t compete for someone’s attention”
Create Boundaries That Protect You - i.e. If communication becomes inconsistent, it is OK to pause effort.
Final Thoughts on Attachment
Re-working attachment takes time, curiosity, and self-compassion. Understanding your attachment style isn’t about blaming yourself or others, it’s about awareness and hard work. The more clearly you see your patterns, the more power you have to build the kind of love that feels steady, mutual, and real.